Race Winners

Three race horses were bragging about their race averages.

"I won 5 out of 20 races," said the first horse.

"Oh yea! I won 15 out of my 30," said the second.

"Hah! I won 50 out of 60," said the third.

Hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound was listening in on the conversation. He steps into view and says. "Well I won 99 out of 100 of my races."

The third horse looks at the second horse and says

"WOW!!.... A talking dog!"

The Daily Newspapers

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

Why a dog is better than a Woman?

1. A dog does not shop.

2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.

The Dead Test

A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"
"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"
So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head.
"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"
So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500.
"$500?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."

Just Looking Around

A blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Very briskly, the man makes his way to the center of the store, and stops. Without hesitation, the man picks his dog up by its leash, and begins spin the dog around over his head. Seeing the poor pooch flying around the air, the store managers quickly makes his way over to the blind man. Without pause, the manager asks the gentleman if he can help. Without concern, the blind man replies, "Nope, just looking around."

Thinking Fast

Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepherd. They decide they’d like to go into a bar for a drink. “But we can’t bring out dogs into that bar,” says the poodle’s human.

“Hey, no problem,” says the german shepherd’s owner. “Just watch this.” He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.

“Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the german shepherd’s human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.

So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the poodle’s human.

The bartender objects, “Hey, poodles can’t be seeing eye dogs!” The poodle owner gasps, “Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepherd!”

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Help Wanted - Dog Joke

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

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